Tomorrow morning I take down my board of firsts to start over. My daughter stated that I didn't get my picture taken with Santa this year, so the EAster Bunny it is :)
Tonight and tomorrow at the gym I will write down all my regrets, and all my wishes to prepare for tomorrow night. The girls are going with me on New Years Eve to celebrate. Next year, maybe some new friend.
People have asked if I have started dating and the answer is NO. To date someone would mean that I would have to provide time for that person all the time and I just am not ready for that. I don't mind having a friend though that we can go out once in a while or stay in more than go out...
I have dreams and desires I have had for years and this time, I am going to get them. and I will. I want to be a completely happy person with me first. Physically and Mentally. Then I want to get happy with someone else. Not just anyone, but the one that will finally make me complete. That will take the time to know me. Know how I think and what I like. I have never had that. This time I will have it or enjoy playing around until I do find it :)
Right now is a time for learning. I cannot wait to start school. If I was a guy...well you know...
Well, tomorrow will be here so need to get moving. Not enough in my mind right now to keep writing but I am sure I will have more later in the week.
Happy New Year!!
Monday, December 30, 2013
Friday, December 27, 2013
Understanding Karma
As I sit at the computer writing my status of the morning on my Facebook page, I mentioned my kids and how I will miss them and how lucky I am to have such great people in my life. I am not a church going person, but I do believe in a God or a higher being. Of course their are more superior beings than myself but I thank goodness my children don't know about this Blog. Then as I was thanking everyone I thought about Karma and what it really means.
Okay, I was going to put in all these definitions about Karma but screw it. It really means cause and effect. Good and Bad. I think life balances out every emotional and physical event that happens in ones life. I always hear Karma is a Bitch. I am sure that is true. As all these things keep happening to me, I have been wondering over the last year what I have done to deserve all of this. I believe I am a really good person with a good heart. Not to say that in the past I have made mistakes. Maybe though those mistakes were signs that I needed to change something and I pretty much ignored the signs.
I am not hurt from my ex husbands affairs for I have had a few myself. It isn't that he married someone pretty much by going to the next courtroom after we signed our papers but the lies. I have always come forward with the truth especially when asked. But to lie to my face.
I am not hurt about losing my job, but the lies around it. To question a calling that is inside me to help take care of people is devastating. To sit in front of me and lie. I know the people that I have helped throughout my career are what help make up my being.
The pain in my body and the surgeries. I ask myself, why at 48 almost 49, why am I like this? Because I let it. It is a defense and an excuse. I will never be skinny model but I am not big Bertha either. So when I quit smoking for good why the pain? To show me the mistake I made and never to make it again.
So, Karma. We make it. It is our own cause and effect. That is why when everything bad happened, and I cried, I was not really alone. I had everyone around me that I could go to and they love me unconditionally. If they love me unconditionally then why can't I love myself unconditionally. Who knows..maybe I just stepped into the realm of self love. woo hoo. I didn't even need the koo koo doctor to tell me that...but the pills help ha ha.
So Karma comes around everyday every minute. You make it. Though I feel I have a sixth sense alot, I am not a witch to cast a spell. Sir William would love that one.
Karma is a bitch so you better be nice...
Okay, I was going to put in all these definitions about Karma but screw it. It really means cause and effect. Good and Bad. I think life balances out every emotional and physical event that happens in ones life. I always hear Karma is a Bitch. I am sure that is true. As all these things keep happening to me, I have been wondering over the last year what I have done to deserve all of this. I believe I am a really good person with a good heart. Not to say that in the past I have made mistakes. Maybe though those mistakes were signs that I needed to change something and I pretty much ignored the signs.
I am not hurt from my ex husbands affairs for I have had a few myself. It isn't that he married someone pretty much by going to the next courtroom after we signed our papers but the lies. I have always come forward with the truth especially when asked. But to lie to my face.
I am not hurt about losing my job, but the lies around it. To question a calling that is inside me to help take care of people is devastating. To sit in front of me and lie. I know the people that I have helped throughout my career are what help make up my being.
The pain in my body and the surgeries. I ask myself, why at 48 almost 49, why am I like this? Because I let it. It is a defense and an excuse. I will never be skinny model but I am not big Bertha either. So when I quit smoking for good why the pain? To show me the mistake I made and never to make it again.
So, Karma. We make it. It is our own cause and effect. That is why when everything bad happened, and I cried, I was not really alone. I had everyone around me that I could go to and they love me unconditionally. If they love me unconditionally then why can't I love myself unconditionally. Who knows..maybe I just stepped into the realm of self love. woo hoo. I didn't even need the koo koo doctor to tell me that...but the pills help ha ha.
So Karma comes around everyday every minute. You make it. Though I feel I have a sixth sense alot, I am not a witch to cast a spell. Sir William would love that one.
Karma is a bitch so you better be nice...
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Day After Means New Beginning?
I read an article that the day after a holiday or major event strikes a cord with a new beginning. A new beginning of something I suppose, though I do feel that is correct. When we experience a grand event like a major holiday, it brings forth new hope that maybe, just maybe in our lifetime we will achieve something. We are 5 days from the eve of a new year and people all ready know what they want for their resolutions. Resolutions..what are they really. Again it goes back to the concept of a new beginning. Right after my separation (not yet divorced but since he cheated for 4 years I would with certainty say pending) I went to get a tattoo on my shoulder of my son that I lost (I say I because looking back I seemed to be the one to make all the arrangements even the favorite song by Carly Simon,the only partnership through the ordeal was a hole in our lives and that of tissue usage. If it were not for knowing my three other children, I think then I should have known to go another way. Our beliefs were so different. But I thank God we didn't because I look at what we have created and I do not regret one bit of every day since I have had them.)and while looking for the right script, a symbol appeared (the one on my profile) and it meant new beginning. So needless to say in my "excitement" for a new beginning, it is now plastered about 2 inches large above my right breast. I told myself so when i look in the mirror it is to remind myself not to look back but everything is a new beginning. (now that I am past that phase and wish it was about an inch and a half smaller, what is done is done. So not to all those out there. DO NOT go to a tattoo parlor after a traumatic event.)
So, today, the day after Christmas, of course after sending my ex pictures of his kids I get reamed but that is okay. I have decided that though we will not communicate unless we have to, I will do one thing that will make me better. I will gather all the photos of the year of the kids and grand kids and put them in a shutterfly book and just have it delivered every year. 25 years is a long time and though I said we would never have contact, he helped me create these wonderful creatures and I AM the better person so, Merry Christmas. (Doesn't mean I will be admitted after death) I have decided on my son's graduation gift and it will be a pretty penny. He has stood on his own and I am so proud of him. When he receives it, I hope it will be part of him for the rest of his life. Actually, it will not be as expensive as I thought, so I hope this starts him off. I know it will me.
In the next year, I will be studying hard, and taking new steps finally. I realized though it would be nice to meat that one that is your best friend, or the one that people say are your soul mate, I can move through life hoping that I will run across him, but I will continue to grow rich in all the countries that I am vowing to visit. I made a new "app" on my excel sheet, to make sure I stay focused. I thought of starting with the alphabet to guide me but I think I like pi the tail on the donkey best. I will pick the country and research it while I save my money. I will just need travel costs for when I get there I will be doing work. I want to know some of the language before and then I want to help at their hospital or their school. Something. I will not be long but they will be in my pictures and my life. They will help me fulfill my soul mate. For I believe my soul mate is within me also. and I have, all my life desired to do this. Now I can. All those dreams I can make real and to prepare myself for my future life. I can't wait for my next adventure and not to have wrinkles again for a while. But that is another story.
So, in 5 days, I will go to my second First Night, and throw all my regrets in the fire (yes I need to bring a jar with me and I need to get writing), and then hand all my wishes to the Gypsy for the coming year. If I think back to last year it all came true. I think someone tried to throw in some extra lessons, but this year I will be ready. Right now, I will finish this. I will write each day for the next 5 days to prepare for a new beginning again. I do believe that damn Hallmark channel is calling. it is the only place that I believe I will ever get my romantic kiss. The one that your eyes are closed, your breathe is gone and the world twirls around. The one that you know is the one, not just maybe or a little tingle, but the one that blinds you and makes you hold on like an F5 is hitting your heart...
cheers...(hmmm i am going to look for my own personal salutation I believe)
Dumagic (because magic is what makes us all unique)
So, today, the day after Christmas, of course after sending my ex pictures of his kids I get reamed but that is okay. I have decided that though we will not communicate unless we have to, I will do one thing that will make me better. I will gather all the photos of the year of the kids and grand kids and put them in a shutterfly book and just have it delivered every year. 25 years is a long time and though I said we would never have contact, he helped me create these wonderful creatures and I AM the better person so, Merry Christmas. (Doesn't mean I will be admitted after death) I have decided on my son's graduation gift and it will be a pretty penny. He has stood on his own and I am so proud of him. When he receives it, I hope it will be part of him for the rest of his life. Actually, it will not be as expensive as I thought, so I hope this starts him off. I know it will me.
In the next year, I will be studying hard, and taking new steps finally. I realized though it would be nice to meat that one that is your best friend, or the one that people say are your soul mate, I can move through life hoping that I will run across him, but I will continue to grow rich in all the countries that I am vowing to visit. I made a new "app" on my excel sheet, to make sure I stay focused. I thought of starting with the alphabet to guide me but I think I like pi the tail on the donkey best. I will pick the country and research it while I save my money. I will just need travel costs for when I get there I will be doing work. I want to know some of the language before and then I want to help at their hospital or their school. Something. I will not be long but they will be in my pictures and my life. They will help me fulfill my soul mate. For I believe my soul mate is within me also. and I have, all my life desired to do this. Now I can. All those dreams I can make real and to prepare myself for my future life. I can't wait for my next adventure and not to have wrinkles again for a while. But that is another story.
So, in 5 days, I will go to my second First Night, and throw all my regrets in the fire (yes I need to bring a jar with me and I need to get writing), and then hand all my wishes to the Gypsy for the coming year. If I think back to last year it all came true. I think someone tried to throw in some extra lessons, but this year I will be ready. Right now, I will finish this. I will write each day for the next 5 days to prepare for a new beginning again. I do believe that damn Hallmark channel is calling. it is the only place that I believe I will ever get my romantic kiss. The one that your eyes are closed, your breathe is gone and the world twirls around. The one that you know is the one, not just maybe or a little tingle, but the one that blinds you and makes you hold on like an F5 is hitting your heart...
cheers...(hmmm i am going to look for my own personal salutation I believe)
Dumagic (because magic is what makes us all unique)
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Preparations End and the Journey Begins
A year ago my life changed forever. During the year, I avoided the grieving of a 25 year marriage by doing everything I could to change the look of the past so that I could avoid realization. Though everyone around said get over it or it was for the best, they are not the ones taking the journey. In the past year, I have had to destroy my credit to make my spouse happy, I hit my big time low in February. I went into a depression, that I didn't know was one but know now as I look back. Everything was changing. I pushed away my PCM and friend which hurts allot, I blamed those around me instead of my own faults. My physical pain due to my abundance of adipose increased. Then the following month I found that I can't change the things around me, thank you Denny (my old PA friend) and needed to move forward. I went to dance, even in pain and embarrassment but it was so fun and exciting. My career was changing, or it was me. It felt so wrong and stressful. While you try to do the right thing(not that it always is), others I presume didn't or didn't understand that it was about growing and caring not being mean and getting ahead. Maybe I was wrong, but at least I know not on purpose and I can still look in the mirror (yes it still shocks me). After enough stress and confusion, I took the plunge to get rid of my physical pain. It was a hard three months but it is the best thing I could have ever done. I was losing weight, I was positive yet bored. Still in trouble at work because I was bored and wanted to help(who would of thought you could get in big trouble helping). I completed another first with my Best Friend, which was her first also and went to see West Side Story, which is now one of my all time favorites. Returning to work was more difficult than I thought an I felt more out of place than ever. I tried to go with the flow but the gossip and the talk continued. Funny, I decided to just do my job and not worry about it anymore and got a great evaluation then it all came crashing down. What I find so ironic is that my peers that read their magazines, books, iPhone, gossip, and do things wrong to other people are going strong. Then boom I am suspended. Then that day, during surgery my best friend dies on the operating table. As I help the family get in touch with their doctor, he complains to my administration and boom, on the day I am suppose to return to work I find out I am out of a job. That 32 years of holding hands of patients, and soldiers dieing, and being there while mom's bring new life in the world, in one year these people have told me I am putting these people in harms way. While it doesn't bother me as much that they fought my unemployment so things are very tight (but I am blessed with my past), it is to even suggest my whole life's work came down to this. From people, administration that has turned our love of helping people into a business, a step for their vanity to take down anyone or anything that might get in their way or threaten them even though the only thing some ever do is to learn to make things better for our peers, patients and everyone in general. I know though that while I as so angry, come New Years I will make it go away. Another door has opened to make me better, and to maybe get into a position that this will not happen to others. I believe that you can achieve success in a business setting and keep a compassionate setting taking care of those that need us. I am old and have lived almost half a century but I am hoping this second half will bring forward all I have learned and been through and make it work for as many as I can my second half.
So, my year in review is I am single, while my children gained a step-mother almost immediately, I lashed out to those I loved in the beginning, I learned how to swing dance, I attended the theater, opera, and outdoor theater with my best friend and children. I got rid of 90 percent of my pain, I lost weight which I have gained back (that's a new story), I lost my best friend and right after my job. My door opened wide to better myself and make my future brighter, but I am learning how some of our society feel not having a job, or money and worrying about buying food. But I am doing it so I believe that this will help me as I walk through this new door. 2013 has been an unbelievable year allot of bad things but right behind it came some good. This has been one of the biggest lessons in my life, and believe it or not I am glad it has all happened. Don't get me wrong, those ones that have contributed to some of this should not be able to be happy about what they have done but come New Years when I throw this all in the fire of regrets and the past, I will forgive them and move on, I wonder if they are ever able to forgive themselves.
So now that I have gotten it all on paper/computer, this page I will print out to take to First Night and be happy and excited. I don't expect a miracle and everything to be all roses, but I will make my destiny, and maybe, just maybe, the good kind of fate will fall on me sooner rather than later but it would be nice to not just dream anymore.
Next...Christmas 2013 and First Night.
So, my year in review is I am single, while my children gained a step-mother almost immediately, I lashed out to those I loved in the beginning, I learned how to swing dance, I attended the theater, opera, and outdoor theater with my best friend and children. I got rid of 90 percent of my pain, I lost weight which I have gained back (that's a new story), I lost my best friend and right after my job. My door opened wide to better myself and make my future brighter, but I am learning how some of our society feel not having a job, or money and worrying about buying food. But I am doing it so I believe that this will help me as I walk through this new door. 2013 has been an unbelievable year allot of bad things but right behind it came some good. This has been one of the biggest lessons in my life, and believe it or not I am glad it has all happened. Don't get me wrong, those ones that have contributed to some of this should not be able to be happy about what they have done but come New Years when I throw this all in the fire of regrets and the past, I will forgive them and move on, I wonder if they are ever able to forgive themselves.
So now that I have gotten it all on paper/computer, this page I will print out to take to First Night and be happy and excited. I don't expect a miracle and everything to be all roses, but I will make my destiny, and maybe, just maybe, the good kind of fate will fall on me sooner rather than later but it would be nice to not just dream anymore.
Next...Christmas 2013 and First Night.
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