A year ago my life changed forever. During the year, I avoided the grieving of a 25 year marriage by doing everything I could to change the look of the past so that I could avoid realization. Though everyone around said get over it or it was for the best, they are not the ones taking the journey. In the past year, I have had to destroy my credit to make my spouse happy, I hit my big time low in February. I went into a depression, that I didn't know was one but know now as I look back. Everything was changing. I pushed away my PCM and friend which hurts allot, I blamed those around me instead of my own faults. My physical pain due to my abundance of adipose increased. Then the following month I found that I can't change the things around me, thank you Denny (my old PA friend) and needed to move forward. I went to dance, even in pain and embarrassment but it was so fun and exciting. My career was changing, or it was me. It felt so wrong and stressful. While you try to do the right thing(not that it always is), others I presume didn't or didn't understand that it was about growing and caring not being mean and getting ahead. Maybe I was wrong, but at least I know not on purpose and I can still look in the mirror (yes it still shocks me). After enough stress and confusion, I took the plunge to get rid of my physical pain. It was a hard three months but it is the best thing I could have ever done. I was losing weight, I was positive yet bored. Still in trouble at work because I was bored and wanted to help(who would of thought you could get in big trouble helping). I completed another first with my Best Friend, which was her first also and went to see West Side Story, which is now one of my all time favorites. Returning to work was more difficult than I thought an I felt more out of place than ever. I tried to go with the flow but the gossip and the talk continued. Funny, I decided to just do my job and not worry about it anymore and got a great evaluation then it all came crashing down. What I find so ironic is that my peers that read their magazines, books, iPhone, gossip, and do things wrong to other people are going strong. Then boom I am suspended. Then that day, during surgery my best friend dies on the operating table. As I help the family get in touch with their doctor, he complains to my administration and boom, on the day I am suppose to return to work I find out I am out of a job. That 32 years of holding hands of patients, and soldiers dieing, and being there while mom's bring new life in the world, in one year these people have told me I am putting these people in harms way. While it doesn't bother me as much that they fought my unemployment so things are very tight (but I am blessed with my past), it is to even suggest my whole life's work came down to this. From people, administration that has turned our love of helping people into a business, a step for their vanity to take down anyone or anything that might get in their way or threaten them even though the only thing some ever do is to learn to make things better for our peers, patients and everyone in general. I know though that while I as so angry, come New Years I will make it go away. Another door has opened to make me better, and to maybe get into a position that this will not happen to others. I believe that you can achieve success in a business setting and keep a compassionate setting taking care of those that need us. I am old and have lived almost half a century but I am hoping this second half will bring forward all I have learned and been through and make it work for as many as I can my second half.
So, my year in review is I am single, while my children gained a step-mother almost immediately, I lashed out to those I loved in the beginning, I learned how to swing dance, I attended the theater, opera, and outdoor theater with my best friend and children. I got rid of 90 percent of my pain, I lost weight which I have gained back (that's a new story), I lost my best friend and right after my job. My door opened wide to better myself and make my future brighter, but I am learning how some of our society feel not having a job, or money and worrying about buying food. But I am doing it so I believe that this will help me as I walk through this new door. 2013 has been an unbelievable year allot of bad things but right behind it came some good. This has been one of the biggest lessons in my life, and believe it or not I am glad it has all happened. Don't get me wrong, those ones that have contributed to some of this should not be able to be happy about what they have done but come New Years when I throw this all in the fire of regrets and the past, I will forgive them and move on, I wonder if they are ever able to forgive themselves.
So now that I have gotten it all on paper/computer, this page I will print out to take to First Night and be happy and excited. I don't expect a miracle and everything to be all roses, but I will make my destiny, and maybe, just maybe, the good kind of fate will fall on me sooner rather than later but it would be nice to not just dream anymore.
Next...Christmas 2013 and First Night.
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