I started this blog over a year ago because of my divorce. With a Marine father who was reliving war every night and day and a mother who could care less what a daughter knew, the confidence and freedom to express myself was non-existent. Of course not as a person because then you would become the new wall paper but as a girl, a young lady that needed to know what to expect out there with the world and men, but what to be deserving of.
So, out in the world you struggle to find just someone that might understand you and you search and search. Sometimes you just settle. But all of that is old. I could go on and on and talk about all the bad things in my life and some of the good but whatever they were they have made me who I am today.
For the first time in a very long time I am really on my own. In the last entry I talked about "The Kiss" I honestly believe that when two people are together that enjoy each others company how could that ever be wrong? You learn so much from that person. their strengths and weaknesses and you share yours. Isn't that how we shape our own lives? We cross paths with different people and try to take as many positives of them, identify the negatives and add that to your bank of personality, a part of your soul.
Touch----I think that is the next part. Aside from personal issues that I have met someone that said things to me I have never heard. Sexy, Nice, these are words I have never heard before. So moving past what I look like I tried to feel. Touch-- To explore and touch another person is quite amazing. I can tell you little curves and dips and to touch is stimulating. It isn't only for the person you are touching but your touch itself. Remember, I believe that an intimate encounter is not about one or the other pleasing, it is experiencing intimacy at the same time. There is no competition. So often because we don't equally feel together we avoid it. With that said you should touch every day. Like a kiss. It is so sensual and the feeling is indescribable. It isn't shock or flutter it is that sensation of being in the moment where signals can cross bodies and communicate the same thing. Whether you meld into one or not isn't even an issue. Touch, laying there just moving your fingers lightly over another persons body and not thinking by just feeling in your finger-tips, It makes you float away. You feel so much lighter while you are touching them and the touch you are providing is one that you want that person to float with you. To give and receive pleasure, sensation is one of the greatest things a human possesses. I don't have to talk to you because you can use your body to do just that. So where does that bring me. "The Kiss" and "Touch" I am not sure what is next. If I am lucky enough to continue to encounter these experiences especially with this person then I will have another answer I believe.
It is finally warmer here and a warm spring breeze flows between the trees, benches and the people walking in the park finally enjoying the warmth of the day. It is a nice day to just lean against a tree off the path, where you can see people but they really can't see you. That is what is nice about parks. They provide something for everyone. To feel the ruff bark against my back my head tilted up to feel the sun and the breeze flowing around my waist and up my dress, letting me feel natures touch until I feel the soft kisses on my neck. Now I feel the pressure of not only the bark on my back but his body up against mine and I know this body. My breasts react to him, they know his touch and the anticipation for his touch makes them come out to be available to him. I run my hands over his head and through his hair, he is kissing further down and slowly between our bodies he is lifting my skirt for access to the heat he knows is there, waiting for him with no barriers. I can feel his need against me, and as I wrap a leg around him like a hook pulling him closer and to the spot that awaits to wet him and envelope him in the heat that will melt into him, and the tingling of his moan against my breast as he is suckling my nipple, makes me feverish to carry him deep in me with the wind wrapping around our bodies as the product of spring has come inside us both It is like a new flower waking up after a long slumber, just waiting to blossom, and the dew and nectar that draws the bee in to complete the cycle of life. And with life comes touch and with touch comes feeling, just the complete satisfying feeling that every touch, every drop of dew we produce is for the mutual completion of what we are suppose to carry through our lives, and with final thrusts and sounds of satisfaction and feeling of being whole we let the wind carry us to the next tree to repeat what we feel over and over..because that is just what is finally just so right.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
When the Rain Falls Part 1 A Kiss
I have had this title before and I am sure I will use it again. I have so much writing to do but when you write you have different variations. Sometimes my fantasies or dreams overtake my other writing, such as that for school so I need to get things on paper. The Red Dress was easy because of where I was in my life and today, When the Rain Falls will have a true meaning behind it finally.
In life we experience so many different sights and feelings. In my previous posts I explained that I see things with new eyes. Images are magnified or they fade according to my moods and feelings. Today every breathe I take feels new and fresh but apprehensive and unsure. Don't get me wrong, this is a good feeling. I have found that when you just stop asking why or push doubts forward you find that you can feel things that are just amazing.
If you recall, When the Rain Falls is when you can stand there and lift your face to the sky and as each drop of wetness touches you it is a sensation that slowly seeps into your soul. When you open your eyes and smile, those sensations are ten-fold. So ultimately it means to finally come alive to be able to experience all sensation in this world that you were meant to. So periodically as I experience a new part of me, I will give it a part to my new world.
The Kiss
So often as we grow we experience that the young kiss that makes your heart skip, or the one that takes your breathe away. Throughout our life though, I think we search for "The Kiss". It is the one that you have never felt before. You can read all the books in the world and say that is the one you want but it isn't really about a kiss, it is about the feeling of the kiss. About the connection and the reaction that it causes. Some feel that if the kiss excites you throughout your body, that is passion. I would tend to agree because we know there is a chain reaction in attraction. "The Kiss" is the one that causes no fireworks or sparks. It is that faint touch of your lips with another and the mixing of their breathe. The substance that keeps them alive. The slow dance that is played with the sensation of life and what life is suppose to feel like. I have found this recently and I am in awe of the revelation. It doesn't tell me that this is the "one" for me, but it has shown me that this is what I am suppose to feel. Each part of our lives both internally and externally strive to find the answer of our souls being complete or fulfilled.
"The Kiss" is when you slowly come together where are life is sustained, and just feel. It is the slow movements and feel of our worlds connecting in a way that hope, faith, joy all combines in one and when you breathe that persons breath just a bit you know that life is meant to feel like this. There is not gut wrenching feeling at first, it is just pure joy to feel that intimate part of a person and when it makes you smile, that is the universe saying yes, that is what is right. The kiss is just the beginning of the realization of what we are suppose to feel and when we finally get to the combination of all sensations as we explore to find what our universe wants, then we become complete.
So, part 1 is achieved. I have never had this reaction before and if this is what is in store for my future then I know that I am going to be okay and if I don't settle with the one that completes me, at least I will end with knowing why I smile.
In life we experience so many different sights and feelings. In my previous posts I explained that I see things with new eyes. Images are magnified or they fade according to my moods and feelings. Today every breathe I take feels new and fresh but apprehensive and unsure. Don't get me wrong, this is a good feeling. I have found that when you just stop asking why or push doubts forward you find that you can feel things that are just amazing.
If you recall, When the Rain Falls is when you can stand there and lift your face to the sky and as each drop of wetness touches you it is a sensation that slowly seeps into your soul. When you open your eyes and smile, those sensations are ten-fold. So ultimately it means to finally come alive to be able to experience all sensation in this world that you were meant to. So periodically as I experience a new part of me, I will give it a part to my new world.
The Kiss
So often as we grow we experience that the young kiss that makes your heart skip, or the one that takes your breathe away. Throughout our life though, I think we search for "The Kiss". It is the one that you have never felt before. You can read all the books in the world and say that is the one you want but it isn't really about a kiss, it is about the feeling of the kiss. About the connection and the reaction that it causes. Some feel that if the kiss excites you throughout your body, that is passion. I would tend to agree because we know there is a chain reaction in attraction. "The Kiss" is the one that causes no fireworks or sparks. It is that faint touch of your lips with another and the mixing of their breathe. The substance that keeps them alive. The slow dance that is played with the sensation of life and what life is suppose to feel like. I have found this recently and I am in awe of the revelation. It doesn't tell me that this is the "one" for me, but it has shown me that this is what I am suppose to feel. Each part of our lives both internally and externally strive to find the answer of our souls being complete or fulfilled.
"The Kiss" is when you slowly come together where are life is sustained, and just feel. It is the slow movements and feel of our worlds connecting in a way that hope, faith, joy all combines in one and when you breathe that persons breath just a bit you know that life is meant to feel like this. There is not gut wrenching feeling at first, it is just pure joy to feel that intimate part of a person and when it makes you smile, that is the universe saying yes, that is what is right. The kiss is just the beginning of the realization of what we are suppose to feel and when we finally get to the combination of all sensations as we explore to find what our universe wants, then we become complete.
So, part 1 is achieved. I have never had this reaction before and if this is what is in store for my future then I know that I am going to be okay and if I don't settle with the one that completes me, at least I will end with knowing why I smile.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Doing it Right
So I have not been keeping up like I said I would. So much has happened. I was writing to one of my new friends (the closer), and thought instead of killing him with the long text to just write everything on here since I think he reads this anyway.
Forever since hormones kicked in which I believe starts at 6 for women, I have always had better relationships with men than women. I dressed as a tomboy etc. I guess because my mom didn't care how I dressed and never helped me with the girly stuff. I am still struggling with this at 48. I am not the artsy, make the house perfect person but I think once I am truly on my own for the first time it will come. Which I can't wait to declutter my life. But back to the relationship issues. Growing up I was always the friend and never the girlfriend. I would even fix up the guys that I really liked with someone else. Not that they would hook up with me. I couldn't do things after school. At that time I was taking care of my sisters and pretty much took over the role of mother before high school. It was great to work and have my own care because for just a few hours a day I was just me.
Joining the Air Force, things didn't change. I had only slept with one guy before the age of 19. The second guy was more of a date rape what they would call it these days and we didn't "go all the way". So I hit basic training then tech school and because we all wore the same clothes I could finally fit in. I was hit on for me. But I drank and I had sex. The flight line, sneaking up the fire stairwell of the rad tech guys dorm, which by the way their rooms were much cooler. But I had sex and it was just an act. hop on hop off and went about my business. Never stayed with one person then. And sex..I never "got off" so I was unlearned and I think I still am.
So off to Germany..there I fell into a diverse group of people. Rap music was new and exciting to me and the guys from New York had a whole different attitude and culture than being hidden away up in New Hampshire. But again comes the need to fit in. I thought sex was the way to go and I was going to get married so many times. I pretended to be in love but what is love really. Is it that fast heartbeat you get when you pass the guy you like and you think about them all the time. And if you were lucky enough to kiss them they would take your breathe away. I should have known that didn't mean they were the one. How do I know this? Well before the Air Force and the reason I joined, was I liked my best friends brother John I could date other guys but he was the one I was wanting and jealous of his girlfriends. But then his best friend dave asked me out for my Birthday and he was so wonderful. I didn't have sparks, I had comfort. I felt safe and happy with him. Slowly we talked more and one night out past the tracks we were drinking and I kissed him. It meant the beginning. When we left, Dave went his own way and I was riding with my best friend, John and his friend. Cj kissed me. I was so drunk, which I ended quick. When we got back to my friends house she went in and John and I talked then it happened. I was on top of him and for the first time I felt something having sex. The main thing I remember is he smelled kind of like pickles. (I have found that to me down the road that that smell is actually pheromones given off). We went riding the next day and I found I no longer liked John. I realized that Dave was the one I really liked. But with my big mouth I told a girl that liked John that it was nice to know I don't like him that way after having sex and she went and told dave. Now we all used to work together at the hospital and it got around like wild fire. I was called a slut and I was devastated. I even ended up losing my job because of all the conflict.
Since then I really haven't felt that. But in Germany I dated and got engaged and broke it off. I ran away because it was wrong but I didn't know what to do. I still don't. I dated and had a guy move in with me. He was just a free loader and yes we had sex but I never felt anything. When I met my ex, I wanted something to work so bad. I thought because I was breathless with a kiss and my lips went numb it was love. But again what is that?
So here I am. Alone. I am not really lonely but I want to be kissed and held. I don't need the sex well unless it is someone that is going to show me completely what makes be feel good. I can with my toys but with the man I need to learn something. I want the rapture, the spice, the erotic feeling of cumming and them doing the same. I want that solid connection.
Okay. I have to clean. More on the pitiful life of me.
Maybe one day I will know how to do it right or someone will explain it. I am so inpatient and hate waiting. I do not know how people do it.
Forever since hormones kicked in which I believe starts at 6 for women, I have always had better relationships with men than women. I dressed as a tomboy etc. I guess because my mom didn't care how I dressed and never helped me with the girly stuff. I am still struggling with this at 48. I am not the artsy, make the house perfect person but I think once I am truly on my own for the first time it will come. Which I can't wait to declutter my life. But back to the relationship issues. Growing up I was always the friend and never the girlfriend. I would even fix up the guys that I really liked with someone else. Not that they would hook up with me. I couldn't do things after school. At that time I was taking care of my sisters and pretty much took over the role of mother before high school. It was great to work and have my own care because for just a few hours a day I was just me.
Joining the Air Force, things didn't change. I had only slept with one guy before the age of 19. The second guy was more of a date rape what they would call it these days and we didn't "go all the way". So I hit basic training then tech school and because we all wore the same clothes I could finally fit in. I was hit on for me. But I drank and I had sex. The flight line, sneaking up the fire stairwell of the rad tech guys dorm, which by the way their rooms were much cooler. But I had sex and it was just an act. hop on hop off and went about my business. Never stayed with one person then. And sex..I never "got off" so I was unlearned and I think I still am.
So off to Germany..there I fell into a diverse group of people. Rap music was new and exciting to me and the guys from New York had a whole different attitude and culture than being hidden away up in New Hampshire. But again comes the need to fit in. I thought sex was the way to go and I was going to get married so many times. I pretended to be in love but what is love really. Is it that fast heartbeat you get when you pass the guy you like and you think about them all the time. And if you were lucky enough to kiss them they would take your breathe away. I should have known that didn't mean they were the one. How do I know this? Well before the Air Force and the reason I joined, was I liked my best friends brother John I could date other guys but he was the one I was wanting and jealous of his girlfriends. But then his best friend dave asked me out for my Birthday and he was so wonderful. I didn't have sparks, I had comfort. I felt safe and happy with him. Slowly we talked more and one night out past the tracks we were drinking and I kissed him. It meant the beginning. When we left, Dave went his own way and I was riding with my best friend, John and his friend. Cj kissed me. I was so drunk, which I ended quick. When we got back to my friends house she went in and John and I talked then it happened. I was on top of him and for the first time I felt something having sex. The main thing I remember is he smelled kind of like pickles. (I have found that to me down the road that that smell is actually pheromones given off). We went riding the next day and I found I no longer liked John. I realized that Dave was the one I really liked. But with my big mouth I told a girl that liked John that it was nice to know I don't like him that way after having sex and she went and told dave. Now we all used to work together at the hospital and it got around like wild fire. I was called a slut and I was devastated. I even ended up losing my job because of all the conflict.
Since then I really haven't felt that. But in Germany I dated and got engaged and broke it off. I ran away because it was wrong but I didn't know what to do. I still don't. I dated and had a guy move in with me. He was just a free loader and yes we had sex but I never felt anything. When I met my ex, I wanted something to work so bad. I thought because I was breathless with a kiss and my lips went numb it was love. But again what is that?
So here I am. Alone. I am not really lonely but I want to be kissed and held. I don't need the sex well unless it is someone that is going to show me completely what makes be feel good. I can with my toys but with the man I need to learn something. I want the rapture, the spice, the erotic feeling of cumming and them doing the same. I want that solid connection.
Okay. I have to clean. More on the pitiful life of me.
Maybe one day I will know how to do it right or someone will explain it. I am so inpatient and hate waiting. I do not know how people do it.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Here We Go Again
10 Feb 2014
Well, here we are again as proof to know that I have foresight into the future I believe. What is it about married men or men in a relationship all ready that are the ones with the qualities of what you are looking for. It is funny because when my ex said he wanted to feel alive, it just wasn't with me. I felt the same way about him. So what is it when we pick that person and the love fades?
It isn't the fear of being alone that bothers me but the fear of never touching again. Why is it that so many conversations with men end up being about sex? While I am very open about it because I believe it is just human nature to desire intimacy, but what I am in fear of missing is the walk through the park. The quiet understanding of it just being something nice. Is it true that you can have a relationship for years and still be able to look across the room at that person and your heart still skips a beat? Maybe that is what I am afraid of. Never having that feeling like I did in high school when the boy you had the crush on walked by and all the air was sucked out of you and your heart beat so fast and strong you could hear it in your ears and when you looked at your hands they were shaking so bad.
It has only been a year so why am I in such need of companionship. I have my children(young adults now) that love me. I have my faithful dogs, especially the ex's dog that has become mine and my biggest supporter of all. I am going to school and achieving my dream of doing more with my life. What is it that people my age do with themselves. Where do you find the person that makes you feel complete. I cancel all my online dating subscriptions but then I feel bored or lost without them. Know or missing what might be out there but who am I kidding. The only ones that answer me are the really old men with no teeth and the married ones. Not one of the men I am interested in or make my heart beat just a tiny bit faster even write to me. And what is a good time to wait for a response. one day? two days? a week? I am an inpatient person and need immediate feedback. Maybe that is my problem. Then the ones that talk dirty more pornish are the ones that think that is what I want to hear. What the heck? I find someone intellectually stimulating and even though he is married he all ready has a girlfriend on the side. Again what the hell am I doing wrong. Fatter women than myself get men left and right. Is it that I am picky? That I don't want to waste my time or theirs if I don't think it will work out. Well, I am running out of thoughts believe it or not. I am doomed to talk all these men I am interested in to go back to their wives or congratulate them on their girlfriends. lucky me....
Well, here we are again as proof to know that I have foresight into the future I believe. What is it about married men or men in a relationship all ready that are the ones with the qualities of what you are looking for. It is funny because when my ex said he wanted to feel alive, it just wasn't with me. I felt the same way about him. So what is it when we pick that person and the love fades?
It isn't the fear of being alone that bothers me but the fear of never touching again. Why is it that so many conversations with men end up being about sex? While I am very open about it because I believe it is just human nature to desire intimacy, but what I am in fear of missing is the walk through the park. The quiet understanding of it just being something nice. Is it true that you can have a relationship for years and still be able to look across the room at that person and your heart still skips a beat? Maybe that is what I am afraid of. Never having that feeling like I did in high school when the boy you had the crush on walked by and all the air was sucked out of you and your heart beat so fast and strong you could hear it in your ears and when you looked at your hands they were shaking so bad.
It has only been a year so why am I in such need of companionship. I have my children(young adults now) that love me. I have my faithful dogs, especially the ex's dog that has become mine and my biggest supporter of all. I am going to school and achieving my dream of doing more with my life. What is it that people my age do with themselves. Where do you find the person that makes you feel complete. I cancel all my online dating subscriptions but then I feel bored or lost without them. Know or missing what might be out there but who am I kidding. The only ones that answer me are the really old men with no teeth and the married ones. Not one of the men I am interested in or make my heart beat just a tiny bit faster even write to me. And what is a good time to wait for a response. one day? two days? a week? I am an inpatient person and need immediate feedback. Maybe that is my problem. Then the ones that talk dirty more pornish are the ones that think that is what I want to hear. What the heck? I find someone intellectually stimulating and even though he is married he all ready has a girlfriend on the side. Again what the hell am I doing wrong. Fatter women than myself get men left and right. Is it that I am picky? That I don't want to waste my time or theirs if I don't think it will work out. Well, I am running out of thoughts believe it or not. I am doomed to talk all these men I am interested in to go back to their wives or congratulate them on their girlfriends. lucky me....
Saturday, February 8, 2014
A Long Saturday
8 February 2014
I know that I said that I would write everyday but then I would have posts with only one or two lines because my life is not all that exciting. I am very slowly organizing myself, Starting with noon tomorrow back to the gym. For the first time in over two years I have gotten a bit sick, mostly with a head cold but enough to put me down for a few days. I will say though I cannot wait to get back on the bike. I cleaned most of the day and thought. About what you ask? Life. About the decision I have made or did not make. The chances that I had and didn't grab. If I had changed any of those at all not only would my life be different but my children also, so for that I am glad I have continued on and don't regret any of them.
I think I am a needy person. I feel sometimes that if I don't make the move first it will never happen. Which could be true for people say you need to make your own success in business and pleasure but lately I wonder about that. Maybe I am not okay by myself and need to work on that more. I did this once before then asked a man out, making my own success and I ended up getting married. I didn't listen to that nagging tug in the back of my mind and for 25 years of the military sending us on short trips here and there it was enough to keep it together until we both retired and didn't travel as much and found we have nothing at all in common. I would have done things a bit different but then who am I kidding. Though I am sure now that he had numerous other "partners" and I had two. Two people that meant something to me and I walked away from. Oh and don't forget the one I was willing to walk away for and now that we can both be free he has found someone else. So ironic isn't it. So where does that leave me? Alone. Becoming a virgin again because lord knows I haven't had sex in over a year. When I was married it was fine. Probably because the alternative was the recreation of some porn thing in his mind. One way satisfaction is not my cup of tea.
When I do find someone that has piqued my interest, he is jacked up in his own thoughts and decisions, that once again I will be the friend and do the right thing and talk him into staying with his wife. A way to show him maybe just being friends will ignite the spark that dwindled down. Then I will be alone again wondering if I turn the corner the person meant for me will be there. These online dating sites are funny. I am not the greatest prize but I am not the worse either. I think I have a peppy disposition and an intellectual mind that would be great for any descent chap. ha ha. What is hard is when I start to have great conversation and it starts to go in the direction of sex, I share with the person my thoughts on what sex is between a man and a woman, and they like what they read and assume that my whole life revolves around an orgasm. Then it is nothing but disappointment. This person I am talking to will not get to read anything I write. I am going to wait. Again, with my luck I will yet again wear my heart on my sleeve and walk away with a broken heart, and if that is the case maybe I will at least get to lose my virginity since it will probably be another year before I get the chance again. How pessimistic of me to even talk like that since I am an optimistic type of person. Always smiling even though I get stabbed in the back with dull blades. The ones that get the job done but need that extra push to make sure I understand that it is there.
So, it is late, I am tired and I have alot of reading and wishing to do tomorrow. Oh and laundry and vacuuming also.
Until we meet again...wink
I know that I said that I would write everyday but then I would have posts with only one or two lines because my life is not all that exciting. I am very slowly organizing myself, Starting with noon tomorrow back to the gym. For the first time in over two years I have gotten a bit sick, mostly with a head cold but enough to put me down for a few days. I will say though I cannot wait to get back on the bike. I cleaned most of the day and thought. About what you ask? Life. About the decision I have made or did not make. The chances that I had and didn't grab. If I had changed any of those at all not only would my life be different but my children also, so for that I am glad I have continued on and don't regret any of them.
I think I am a needy person. I feel sometimes that if I don't make the move first it will never happen. Which could be true for people say you need to make your own success in business and pleasure but lately I wonder about that. Maybe I am not okay by myself and need to work on that more. I did this once before then asked a man out, making my own success and I ended up getting married. I didn't listen to that nagging tug in the back of my mind and for 25 years of the military sending us on short trips here and there it was enough to keep it together until we both retired and didn't travel as much and found we have nothing at all in common. I would have done things a bit different but then who am I kidding. Though I am sure now that he had numerous other "partners" and I had two. Two people that meant something to me and I walked away from. Oh and don't forget the one I was willing to walk away for and now that we can both be free he has found someone else. So ironic isn't it. So where does that leave me? Alone. Becoming a virgin again because lord knows I haven't had sex in over a year. When I was married it was fine. Probably because the alternative was the recreation of some porn thing in his mind. One way satisfaction is not my cup of tea.
When I do find someone that has piqued my interest, he is jacked up in his own thoughts and decisions, that once again I will be the friend and do the right thing and talk him into staying with his wife. A way to show him maybe just being friends will ignite the spark that dwindled down. Then I will be alone again wondering if I turn the corner the person meant for me will be there. These online dating sites are funny. I am not the greatest prize but I am not the worse either. I think I have a peppy disposition and an intellectual mind that would be great for any descent chap. ha ha. What is hard is when I start to have great conversation and it starts to go in the direction of sex, I share with the person my thoughts on what sex is between a man and a woman, and they like what they read and assume that my whole life revolves around an orgasm. Then it is nothing but disappointment. This person I am talking to will not get to read anything I write. I am going to wait. Again, with my luck I will yet again wear my heart on my sleeve and walk away with a broken heart, and if that is the case maybe I will at least get to lose my virginity since it will probably be another year before I get the chance again. How pessimistic of me to even talk like that since I am an optimistic type of person. Always smiling even though I get stabbed in the back with dull blades. The ones that get the job done but need that extra push to make sure I understand that it is there.
So, it is late, I am tired and I have alot of reading and wishing to do tomorrow. Oh and laundry and vacuuming also.
Until we meet again...wink
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Impromptu
2/4-5/2014
Today was a long day of trying to keep this cold at bay and finish my speech. I will talk about school in a moment. Again, today I noticed that I can be side tracked so easy. I have to learn not to open some of the sites that do that.
I am trying to follow the template that I made and I think it is crap now. I will put it up to remind me to make sure I touch on these things. I really want to try to keep this up everyday.
My goal is slow coming and I keep making excuses for one thing or another but I have to think how important is May to me. Kind of like when I quit smoking. Now I have that carrot dangling in front of me So again..starting tomorrow full speed ahead with no excuses. I am just deciding to go to the gym before or after my Dr. Appointment. I really should go before since I need to start getting up earlier because I just too much to do. My sleep cycle needs to get back in order.
Today my speech was the worse I ever performed. Just 5 minutes is all I needed to do. I am great at Impromptu but when I have to remember quotes and I only had 2 hours to put the whole thing together I should be happy I did even that well. So, the positive side of it was a 92 on the Essay. A perfect score for my speech on "A Jury of Her Peers". I haven't read my journal yet but I am sure that it is okay, well at least I hope so.
Well, I think that is all for now. I really do need to write another story soon. I feel I am in need of one. But one day at a time. Oh btw, I was asked on a date tonight wooohooo.
Till tomorrow
Today was a long day of trying to keep this cold at bay and finish my speech. I will talk about school in a moment. Again, today I noticed that I can be side tracked so easy. I have to learn not to open some of the sites that do that.
I am trying to follow the template that I made and I think it is crap now. I will put it up to remind me to make sure I touch on these things. I really want to try to keep this up everyday.
My goal is slow coming and I keep making excuses for one thing or another but I have to think how important is May to me. Kind of like when I quit smoking. Now I have that carrot dangling in front of me So again..starting tomorrow full speed ahead with no excuses. I am just deciding to go to the gym before or after my Dr. Appointment. I really should go before since I need to start getting up earlier because I just too much to do. My sleep cycle needs to get back in order.
Today my speech was the worse I ever performed. Just 5 minutes is all I needed to do. I am great at Impromptu but when I have to remember quotes and I only had 2 hours to put the whole thing together I should be happy I did even that well. So, the positive side of it was a 92 on the Essay. A perfect score for my speech on "A Jury of Her Peers". I haven't read my journal yet but I am sure that it is okay, well at least I hope so.
Well, I think that is all for now. I really do need to write another story soon. I feel I am in need of one. But one day at a time. Oh btw, I was asked on a date tonight wooohooo.
Till tomorrow
Monday, February 3, 2014
Day One
3 February 2014
Writing on this blog is very bright. Though the version that you are reading has the black background, mine is so white and bland. I am sitting in the dark with the dog whining because it is bedtime and my head pounding from a cold that is trying to invade my sinuses and head and might be winning. Maybe a little music will assist. I write all my papers and stories with music running. I am not sure if it allows me to channel what I am really thinking and the other things that run through my brain run out and dance. What a concept. I would be rich in the Mental Health community for all manic patients. Hmmm maybe I will write a book on controlling Bipolar without medication as the author that wrote the one on Anxiety. I will pass that on with my doc.
New ideas? None lately. I started carrying my book and pencil around and I have a couple of things written which will fall into my personal thoughts tonight but I just want to stay on course with my short term goal.
Today I was going to do one hour of each of my online programs and the rest school. Did not happen. Sick or not it has to happen tomorrow for I have a speech due Tuesday night. It is a good thing I can write an A paper in 20 minutes. well a 93 in 20 minutes. Guess I will go for 100. no more slacking! But can't wait for my speech. I love doing this and I think i may find a toastmasters in the area.
Toastmasters though will happen after my Green Belt and I finish the HIMSS classes.
Short term goal is off and going. well half of it today. I loved my workout and my Closer taught me some things so we are trying them tomorrow. Love that man. I have only known him for a month or so but how lucky I am to have found such an insightful friend.
No short stories again. I feel I will have one by Wednesday after class or Thursday. I feel one coming on.
Now for the hardest part of this boring post. Yes I am trying to get to bed and frustrated with this sinus pressure. So while I was on and off napping today, I watched Glee of all things and became an emotional mess. When it comes to music I love to sing and dance and clean my house to it. But once in a while a song becomes part of my life and describes me. The me inside me if that makes sense. For 25 years my husband didn't know that my favorite color was red. I always initiated the romance and kink in our bedroom sex. Yeah he would initiate porn type sex. grunt groan. Meaningless. to me yes and some say that meaningless is fun but what is the true definition. Meaningless to me is a spontaneous meet you behind the tree for fun sex. To him meaningless was to pump hard and cum hard. What human wants that? Not me...oh that is why he is my ex? Well yes and no. No because he was seeing someone for 4 years and yes because I am now glad he was :). So this tells you that I have maybe shared my thoughts with one or two people in my life. One of them died last October and the other is involved with someone so doesn't have time. Now Closer has come along and offered me an outlet and a goal. So I thank you(since I know you will read this). But getting off track.
So, watching Glee I sang to all the songs. The ones that I remember from High school and broken hearts or being thrown in Jail(another story). The song Royals, touches my erotic side. I could have serious sex to that song or use that song to perform a wonderful interlude to the person I finally find that is my true best friend. Then a song came on called Creeps. It is by Radiohead. I have never been so enthralled with a song like this. I listen to this band and words can flow along with feelings. So I was asked why I was weepy? Because I need to reach my goal in March to finish of the whole short term goal. Closer understands this I hope. When May comes I will have complete freedom. Freedom to achieve any goal I can set me mind to. In just 4 months I can solve all the issues of the past and create all new dreams for the future. In the meantime I will continue to sing, dance, be enthralled, and weep. Because for once I am living and feeling. And soon I will be living and feeling openly.
Writing on this blog is very bright. Though the version that you are reading has the black background, mine is so white and bland. I am sitting in the dark with the dog whining because it is bedtime and my head pounding from a cold that is trying to invade my sinuses and head and might be winning. Maybe a little music will assist. I write all my papers and stories with music running. I am not sure if it allows me to channel what I am really thinking and the other things that run through my brain run out and dance. What a concept. I would be rich in the Mental Health community for all manic patients. Hmmm maybe I will write a book on controlling Bipolar without medication as the author that wrote the one on Anxiety. I will pass that on with my doc.
New ideas? None lately. I started carrying my book and pencil around and I have a couple of things written which will fall into my personal thoughts tonight but I just want to stay on course with my short term goal.
Today I was going to do one hour of each of my online programs and the rest school. Did not happen. Sick or not it has to happen tomorrow for I have a speech due Tuesday night. It is a good thing I can write an A paper in 20 minutes. well a 93 in 20 minutes. Guess I will go for 100. no more slacking! But can't wait for my speech. I love doing this and I think i may find a toastmasters in the area.
Toastmasters though will happen after my Green Belt and I finish the HIMSS classes.
Short term goal is off and going. well half of it today. I loved my workout and my Closer taught me some things so we are trying them tomorrow. Love that man. I have only known him for a month or so but how lucky I am to have found such an insightful friend.
No short stories again. I feel I will have one by Wednesday after class or Thursday. I feel one coming on.
Now for the hardest part of this boring post. Yes I am trying to get to bed and frustrated with this sinus pressure. So while I was on and off napping today, I watched Glee of all things and became an emotional mess. When it comes to music I love to sing and dance and clean my house to it. But once in a while a song becomes part of my life and describes me. The me inside me if that makes sense. For 25 years my husband didn't know that my favorite color was red. I always initiated the romance and kink in our bedroom sex. Yeah he would initiate porn type sex. grunt groan. Meaningless. to me yes and some say that meaningless is fun but what is the true definition. Meaningless to me is a spontaneous meet you behind the tree for fun sex. To him meaningless was to pump hard and cum hard. What human wants that? Not me...oh that is why he is my ex? Well yes and no. No because he was seeing someone for 4 years and yes because I am now glad he was :). So this tells you that I have maybe shared my thoughts with one or two people in my life. One of them died last October and the other is involved with someone so doesn't have time. Now Closer has come along and offered me an outlet and a goal. So I thank you(since I know you will read this). But getting off track.
So, watching Glee I sang to all the songs. The ones that I remember from High school and broken hearts or being thrown in Jail(another story). The song Royals, touches my erotic side. I could have serious sex to that song or use that song to perform a wonderful interlude to the person I finally find that is my true best friend. Then a song came on called Creeps. It is by Radiohead. I have never been so enthralled with a song like this. I listen to this band and words can flow along with feelings. So I was asked why I was weepy? Because I need to reach my goal in March to finish of the whole short term goal. Closer understands this I hope. When May comes I will have complete freedom. Freedom to achieve any goal I can set me mind to. In just 4 months I can solve all the issues of the past and create all new dreams for the future. In the meantime I will continue to sing, dance, be enthralled, and weep. Because for once I am living and feeling. And soon I will be living and feeling openly.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Super Bowl Sunday
2 February 2014
Well, today was the Super Bowl and of course being a Patriots fan it didn't matter who one but I would have preferred the Broncos especially after this crazy week of Sherman issues. I cooked, I cleaned, I created, and as you notice I is before it all. It will be heaven to downsize in a little over a year and don't have all this space I just do not need. I must say, it has been a very unproductive weekend but a fun one with the exception of drinking more than I have in years. I do believe I have accomplished a bottle of Vodka and Coconut Rum this weekend. But tomorrow starts my journey. More a few paragraphs down.
Today I watch a video of a 10 year old that talked about How to Find Your Spark. What an amazing young woman to be so insightful at her age. I giggled a bit because I started writing this blog to find my spark. Half my life is over and the beginning of the rest of my life is now. In this second half what is it that I want to do, to change in my world that will ensure that when I die and prepare for my journey to my next life, I have accomplished something for our world. Something that is consuming me but has yet to be released. I hope while writing these blogs, I will find that.
Well, yet again I am behind in my class work but again tomorrow starts the new changes in my life. I have new rules and need to type faster because they are going to start earlier in the day. I have a 5-7 minute persuasive speech on ethics and politics. My favorite. After watching this ten year old, I have found a new technique and am excited to try this Wednesday night.
I haven't even looked at the online classes but starting tomorrow they each get one hour of my time. I will succeed in completing these.
Again my lean belt yellow will be started tomorrow. One hour each day.
3 February 2014 is the start of my short term goal which will be complete in May. I am enlisting the help of my new friend Closer. I am very excited with this journey I am taking. It is very personal and I truly believe with his help I will succeed. My reason for this goal may not really be healthy but it is human nature. I want to complete something because I can now that I am on my own. I want people to see that. Especially the ones that held me back. I just want to see the reaction. I do not blame them 100 percent for I am my own individual and responsible for my decisions but a woman can get lost in the gender role for the time being until if they are lucky enough, they are set free.
There is no short story tonight. I have a void inside of me and I am not sure what it is. It is very dark and black and a little scary. Maybe it is a thought of another failure, I am not sure but what I do know and I do hope is that through this journey of mine, I hope for it to go away or present itself so that I can change what it feels. March is the mid mark of my short term goal and the next goal will be presented. It is a longer goal but one that needs to be thought out for when my short term goal is done so that I can start with this next medium one. I am seeing ideas and I just know they will all come together when the time comes.
I have found from now on, I will be carrying a small journal and pencil with me everywhere I go. Ideas keep popping in my head and that is what this section is for. I will transfer them here and add some notes. Hopefully they will become something down the road.
Well, this is the end of my day. I had my first mini super bowl party ever and even though all the food is left, most of the alcohol isn't...ha ha...but it was fun and not scary.
Well, today was the Super Bowl and of course being a Patriots fan it didn't matter who one but I would have preferred the Broncos especially after this crazy week of Sherman issues. I cooked, I cleaned, I created, and as you notice I is before it all. It will be heaven to downsize in a little over a year and don't have all this space I just do not need. I must say, it has been a very unproductive weekend but a fun one with the exception of drinking more than I have in years. I do believe I have accomplished a bottle of Vodka and Coconut Rum this weekend. But tomorrow starts my journey. More a few paragraphs down.
Today I watch a video of a 10 year old that talked about How to Find Your Spark. What an amazing young woman to be so insightful at her age. I giggled a bit because I started writing this blog to find my spark. Half my life is over and the beginning of the rest of my life is now. In this second half what is it that I want to do, to change in my world that will ensure that when I die and prepare for my journey to my next life, I have accomplished something for our world. Something that is consuming me but has yet to be released. I hope while writing these blogs, I will find that.
Well, yet again I am behind in my class work but again tomorrow starts the new changes in my life. I have new rules and need to type faster because they are going to start earlier in the day. I have a 5-7 minute persuasive speech on ethics and politics. My favorite. After watching this ten year old, I have found a new technique and am excited to try this Wednesday night.
I haven't even looked at the online classes but starting tomorrow they each get one hour of my time. I will succeed in completing these.
Again my lean belt yellow will be started tomorrow. One hour each day.
3 February 2014 is the start of my short term goal which will be complete in May. I am enlisting the help of my new friend Closer. I am very excited with this journey I am taking. It is very personal and I truly believe with his help I will succeed. My reason for this goal may not really be healthy but it is human nature. I want to complete something because I can now that I am on my own. I want people to see that. Especially the ones that held me back. I just want to see the reaction. I do not blame them 100 percent for I am my own individual and responsible for my decisions but a woman can get lost in the gender role for the time being until if they are lucky enough, they are set free.
There is no short story tonight. I have a void inside of me and I am not sure what it is. It is very dark and black and a little scary. Maybe it is a thought of another failure, I am not sure but what I do know and I do hope is that through this journey of mine, I hope for it to go away or present itself so that I can change what it feels. March is the mid mark of my short term goal and the next goal will be presented. It is a longer goal but one that needs to be thought out for when my short term goal is done so that I can start with this next medium one. I am seeing ideas and I just know they will all come together when the time comes.
I have found from now on, I will be carrying a small journal and pencil with me everywhere I go. Ideas keep popping in my head and that is what this section is for. I will transfer them here and add some notes. Hopefully they will become something down the road.
Well, this is the end of my day. I had my first mini super bowl party ever and even though all the food is left, most of the alcohol isn't...ha ha...but it was fun and not scary.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Another Saturday
2-1-2014
Well, I have wasted this whole day yet again. I couldn't figure out why I was spending so much time on line and I have figured out that my life is shifting again.
What I mean is I am missing something that I obviously need but I don't know what it is. But starting Monday morning a whole new schedule and attitude is going to take place. My "short" term goal right now has a few pieces.
First the goal is to be reached by my son's graduation in May. I met someone that I have been talking to on one of the dating sites and later when I asked him what body type I really fall under he stated a little bit extra or full figured. Well that is it for me. No more dating sites. I talk to a couple of people but if they go away except for one of them it won't be a loss.
So with that information, number one of my short term goal is to lose between 30-40 pounds by May. I am doing the weight watcher thing but I am going back to the philosophy that I eat when I am hungry and that is it. Cut back on soda and drink more water.
I love the Y and I go most days then I say nah. Well 7 days a week no matter what. If I am working then my only day off may be Wednesday because of School.
So, that takes care of work out and diet. Now, with diet I want that to be close to 30 pounds by the end of my quarter at school.
Sex. I am so worried about body image, I am having a friend help me. Once a week hopefully until the beginning of May at least. This person will help me with my view and I believe that is the key to my ultimate confidence. He will also allow me to release myself from an old friend that I spend too much time thinking about. Because obviously he does not think of me.
Organize. I am on the computer way to much for other than school. I need to organize times that if I am not working then the computer is off at minimum from 10-2. That means shut down. That gives me time to do all the reading for my class.
My blog. I want to write in here at least every day. I think I am going to put my daily blog into categories that are preset each day and fill them in. From current news, ideas, etc. I have so much I want to do and I get excited. but I need to reorganize all my time to fit everything in so I will start blocking out schedule time for my blog, then my online classes for HIMSS. Then I need to work on my lean belts. Along with my class stuff. If I am not working I should have no reason I can't do all of this and still watch my TIVO stuff.
Well that is going to be all for today. Except below will be my new blog format.
Date:
(Title is the post)
Current Events:
New Ideas:
School advances:
On line class:
Lean Belt:
May's Short term goal:
A short story:
More personal thoughts:
I think that will be good just to get me started. I reserve the right to change the order of each category or category itself at any time.
Well I am 12 hours behind so, clean, and making Super Bowl items.
indtil i morgen
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)