10 Feb 2014
Well, here we are again as proof to know that I have foresight into the future I believe. What is it about married men or men in a relationship all ready that are the ones with the qualities of what you are looking for. It is funny because when my ex said he wanted to feel alive, it just wasn't with me. I felt the same way about him. So what is it when we pick that person and the love fades?
It isn't the fear of being alone that bothers me but the fear of never touching again. Why is it that so many conversations with men end up being about sex? While I am very open about it because I believe it is just human nature to desire intimacy, but what I am in fear of missing is the walk through the park. The quiet understanding of it just being something nice. Is it true that you can have a relationship for years and still be able to look across the room at that person and your heart still skips a beat? Maybe that is what I am afraid of. Never having that feeling like I did in high school when the boy you had the crush on walked by and all the air was sucked out of you and your heart beat so fast and strong you could hear it in your ears and when you looked at your hands they were shaking so bad.
It has only been a year so why am I in such need of companionship. I have my children(young adults now) that love me. I have my faithful dogs, especially the ex's dog that has become mine and my biggest supporter of all. I am going to school and achieving my dream of doing more with my life. What is it that people my age do with themselves. Where do you find the person that makes you feel complete. I cancel all my online dating subscriptions but then I feel bored or lost without them. Know or missing what might be out there but who am I kidding. The only ones that answer me are the really old men with no teeth and the married ones. Not one of the men I am interested in or make my heart beat just a tiny bit faster even write to me. And what is a good time to wait for a response. one day? two days? a week? I am an inpatient person and need immediate feedback. Maybe that is my problem. Then the ones that talk dirty more pornish are the ones that think that is what I want to hear. What the heck? I find someone intellectually stimulating and even though he is married he all ready has a girlfriend on the side. Again what the hell am I doing wrong. Fatter women than myself get men left and right. Is it that I am picky? That I don't want to waste my time or theirs if I don't think it will work out. Well, I am running out of thoughts believe it or not. I am doomed to talk all these men I am interested in to go back to their wives or congratulate them on their girlfriends. lucky me....
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