So I have not been keeping up like I said I would. So much has happened. I was writing to one of my new friends (the closer), and thought instead of killing him with the long text to just write everything on here since I think he reads this anyway.
Forever since hormones kicked in which I believe starts at 6 for women, I have always had better relationships with men than women. I dressed as a tomboy etc. I guess because my mom didn't care how I dressed and never helped me with the girly stuff. I am still struggling with this at 48. I am not the artsy, make the house perfect person but I think once I am truly on my own for the first time it will come. Which I can't wait to declutter my life. But back to the relationship issues. Growing up I was always the friend and never the girlfriend. I would even fix up the guys that I really liked with someone else. Not that they would hook up with me. I couldn't do things after school. At that time I was taking care of my sisters and pretty much took over the role of mother before high school. It was great to work and have my own care because for just a few hours a day I was just me.
Joining the Air Force, things didn't change. I had only slept with one guy before the age of 19. The second guy was more of a date rape what they would call it these days and we didn't "go all the way". So I hit basic training then tech school and because we all wore the same clothes I could finally fit in. I was hit on for me. But I drank and I had sex. The flight line, sneaking up the fire stairwell of the rad tech guys dorm, which by the way their rooms were much cooler. But I had sex and it was just an act. hop on hop off and went about my business. Never stayed with one person then. And sex..I never "got off" so I was unlearned and I think I still am.
So off to Germany..there I fell into a diverse group of people. Rap music was new and exciting to me and the guys from New York had a whole different attitude and culture than being hidden away up in New Hampshire. But again comes the need to fit in. I thought sex was the way to go and I was going to get married so many times. I pretended to be in love but what is love really. Is it that fast heartbeat you get when you pass the guy you like and you think about them all the time. And if you were lucky enough to kiss them they would take your breathe away. I should have known that didn't mean they were the one. How do I know this? Well before the Air Force and the reason I joined, was I liked my best friends brother John I could date other guys but he was the one I was wanting and jealous of his girlfriends. But then his best friend dave asked me out for my Birthday and he was so wonderful. I didn't have sparks, I had comfort. I felt safe and happy with him. Slowly we talked more and one night out past the tracks we were drinking and I kissed him. It meant the beginning. When we left, Dave went his own way and I was riding with my best friend, John and his friend. Cj kissed me. I was so drunk, which I ended quick. When we got back to my friends house she went in and John and I talked then it happened. I was on top of him and for the first time I felt something having sex. The main thing I remember is he smelled kind of like pickles. (I have found that to me down the road that that smell is actually pheromones given off). We went riding the next day and I found I no longer liked John. I realized that Dave was the one I really liked. But with my big mouth I told a girl that liked John that it was nice to know I don't like him that way after having sex and she went and told dave. Now we all used to work together at the hospital and it got around like wild fire. I was called a slut and I was devastated. I even ended up losing my job because of all the conflict.
Since then I really haven't felt that. But in Germany I dated and got engaged and broke it off. I ran away because it was wrong but I didn't know what to do. I still don't. I dated and had a guy move in with me. He was just a free loader and yes we had sex but I never felt anything. When I met my ex, I wanted something to work so bad. I thought because I was breathless with a kiss and my lips went numb it was love. But again what is that?
So here I am. Alone. I am not really lonely but I want to be kissed and held. I don't need the sex well unless it is someone that is going to show me completely what makes be feel good. I can with my toys but with the man I need to learn something. I want the rapture, the spice, the erotic feeling of cumming and them doing the same. I want that solid connection.
Okay. I have to clean. More on the pitiful life of me.
Maybe one day I will know how to do it right or someone will explain it. I am so inpatient and hate waiting. I do not know how people do it.
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