8 February 2014
I know that I said that I would write everyday but then I would have posts with only one or two lines because my life is not all that exciting. I am very slowly organizing myself, Starting with noon tomorrow back to the gym. For the first time in over two years I have gotten a bit sick, mostly with a head cold but enough to put me down for a few days. I will say though I cannot wait to get back on the bike. I cleaned most of the day and thought. About what you ask? Life. About the decision I have made or did not make. The chances that I had and didn't grab. If I had changed any of those at all not only would my life be different but my children also, so for that I am glad I have continued on and don't regret any of them.
I think I am a needy person. I feel sometimes that if I don't make the move first it will never happen. Which could be true for people say you need to make your own success in business and pleasure but lately I wonder about that. Maybe I am not okay by myself and need to work on that more. I did this once before then asked a man out, making my own success and I ended up getting married. I didn't listen to that nagging tug in the back of my mind and for 25 years of the military sending us on short trips here and there it was enough to keep it together until we both retired and didn't travel as much and found we have nothing at all in common. I would have done things a bit different but then who am I kidding. Though I am sure now that he had numerous other "partners" and I had two. Two people that meant something to me and I walked away from. Oh and don't forget the one I was willing to walk away for and now that we can both be free he has found someone else. So ironic isn't it. So where does that leave me? Alone. Becoming a virgin again because lord knows I haven't had sex in over a year. When I was married it was fine. Probably because the alternative was the recreation of some porn thing in his mind. One way satisfaction is not my cup of tea.
When I do find someone that has piqued my interest, he is jacked up in his own thoughts and decisions, that once again I will be the friend and do the right thing and talk him into staying with his wife. A way to show him maybe just being friends will ignite the spark that dwindled down. Then I will be alone again wondering if I turn the corner the person meant for me will be there. These online dating sites are funny. I am not the greatest prize but I am not the worse either. I think I have a peppy disposition and an intellectual mind that would be great for any descent chap. ha ha. What is hard is when I start to have great conversation and it starts to go in the direction of sex, I share with the person my thoughts on what sex is between a man and a woman, and they like what they read and assume that my whole life revolves around an orgasm. Then it is nothing but disappointment. This person I am talking to will not get to read anything I write. I am going to wait. Again, with my luck I will yet again wear my heart on my sleeve and walk away with a broken heart, and if that is the case maybe I will at least get to lose my virginity since it will probably be another year before I get the chance again. How pessimistic of me to even talk like that since I am an optimistic type of person. Always smiling even though I get stabbed in the back with dull blades. The ones that get the job done but need that extra push to make sure I understand that it is there.
So, it is late, I am tired and I have alot of reading and wishing to do tomorrow. Oh and laundry and vacuuming also.
Until we meet again...wink
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